i dont wanna gather any magic thank u

I renewed my carrd subscription more recently but i think it might b my last time. Theres nothing rly wrong w carrd, i just feel like i can code it myself now n add a bunch of other stuff then aswel but just get a neocities subscription. 

Sigh ive been thinking ab AA a bunch, i gues more so my brand in general. I dont wanna quit by any means, i like creating stuff n selling at cons! But the social media aspect... i dont wanna b an influencer! I dont wanna worry ab when to post smtg and feel like ass bc only 3 ppl saw it.

But i do wanna atleast let ppl know something, i dont wanna b forgotten or smtg...

Maybe i can do a monthly update? Write what ive done, my plans ect. N post a bunch of art along w it. Idk could b intresting? 

Problem w the fuck ass sumup thing prevails. I need to START  looking for solutions...help? Idk... wtf do i even do. I dont wanna potentially lose disability money. N i have a hard time getting myself to focus on this bc it makes me anxious hh

I slept like shit

Got outta bed at 10.30 for my T shot. Idk how or why it came up, but nurse the that gave my T shot was also autistic n upon learning i am aswel told me theres a place still open in her local magic the gathering group LMAO. Ive never played... imma look into it

ok ate breakfast, felt like  kaka poopoo till like 14.30. Im a bit tired but im fine.

 

As a change of routine i was looking around neocities, just putting resources in my ever growing spreadsheet. Wich reminds me, i deleted all the links i shared online bc i realized its linked to an email w my name on. Idc that friends see that but i dont rly want that out in the open for every stranger to come by. The reasen i put it in a spreadsheet was so i can acces it anywhere and share it with ppl + to clean up my bookmarks. I might just copy it to another email... wich does make me think, are there better tools out there for this? I supose coding smtg urself ig, but i like the ease of spreadsheet where u put it in n its instantly online... 

 

Looked into magic the gathering, just on the site ab the rules ect. Reminds me a lil of Inscryption and the card game in genshin impact so i feel like if i actually take my time with it i could actually learn it.
Hmmm alright so on one side seems like a decent game that i might enjoy. On the other i know myself n this could lead into another expensive hobby... so imma stay away from it LMAO

just complaining lol

Im not sure why the world is so obsessed with "adult" animation/comedy. Im 100% not the target audience, ive tried so many, yet none i find funny nor enjoyable to watch. And its not like i stop after an episode or so, i sit trough several seasens just kinda hoping itl get better but it just dosnt. 
Ive tried South Park, Rick & Morty, Family Guy, Bojack Horseman, Big Mouth and Smiling Friends. Tho Bojack Horseman i dislike bc its so depressing lmao, i finished the whole thing and just din enjoy it, tho i can see why ppl might like it... the others however not at all. Im no prude by any means, but its all just bigoted bs, all the blanc-ist (race-sex-homo-ect), toillet humor. Ppl say its "edgy humor" but i feel like the only reasen somebody may laugh at it is bc theyre uncomfortable. I dont know why i keep giving it a try?? well, they have huge fan bases so "there must be smtg good about it" right?... right???... sigh
I find ALOT of things funny, but i seldom laugh at any of those. I suppose i now finally know some lore behind some memes... 

Wich reminds me, i should add a list with stuff i wanna watch/read on my site 

no way?? i code? again?

Finally got my disability payment!! I was sending Gran my monthly contribution and i put the extra in my savings... and then it kinda hit me like bruh... a disabled person is supposed to survive of this??? Granted i think id get more if i lived alone. But still! Im like too nervous to calculate my monthly payments bc that means id have even less, so im just living in bliss of that hhh. I gues im just a lil upset that i now get much less then what i did b4 this whole bs started happening. Im just rly trying not to think ab it too much bc knowing this is likly gon b it till i die is depressing as hell.

And then fucking sumup, I asked sumup to change my shop name. They asked for some kinda proof and my dumbass said i dont got that, i only do it as a hobby. And my thing got shut down. At first they where being rly asses bc i kept asking why. But eventually i got a propper answer. Aperently your not allowed to do it as a hobby... only a real shop??? I cant make a new one BC THEY TOOK MY FUCKING NAME. So ive been rly stressed ab that bc alot of ppl at cons pay w card, id loose ALOT of money if i cant accept card. Looking online there seems to b no real replacement. I think imma contact my auticoach te help me with this

Anyway coded more... i should prolly delete all the other saves (like i literly still have the first time i saved lmao). Happy with how it looks!!! The marquee with the stamps at the top pauses when u hover over it :^D I should think of stuff to put in the right div, maybe some blinkies? And then i should try and decorate with pictures of dogs (its suposed to be wanwancore themed)... and that godforsakend button... IF ID HAVE A USERNAME IT B EASYER! 

 

Must say, i keep all the screenshots i take (i take one everytime i upload it to neocities) and its been fun seeing the progression! Im proud to see how much ive done and learned in only 5 month! It was rly intimidating at first, but im happy i started bc ive been having alot of fun with it :3

 

 

Its gon get above 30degrees again... pls kill me already 

new theme, same ol' bs

organized my folders and added a warning/landing page!

Did notice my pictures broke but im tired so ill fix those another day

One day ill add difr fonts... one day...

 

Oh yea i changed firefox theme! and made my taskbar also match + im using this cursor. Reasen? i just rly like hot pink lol

Lee(?) wherever u are, i hope u shit urself u weirdo

When i was still friends with my Ex i was also kinda "friends" with all their friends. I was like 14/15 around this time and they where part of the local cosplay community. My ass had major social anxiety so i kinda just hung around them always lol.
I remember them becoming good friends with somebody... but for the life of me i have no idea what they where called... Anyway this is about that person. All i remember is that they use they/them where like late 20s/early30s? and had a boyfriend, so nothing rly special LMAO. They where nice and thus i talked with them from time to time... oh! i remember they really liked supernatural and wore a cosplay of the guy with the wings... Castiel? idk, i just remember bc i wore my Clear cosplay then, for the 2nd time.
Anyway ive seen them a couple of times at cons back then, when i had the fight w my ex i wanted to keep up some friendships with people wich included them.
They told me my ex was aperently bad talking me to everybody, so that was great. 
I just remember this one time BJDs came up, so i was exited to tell them about it. I think around that time i received 2 Resinsoul centaurs (the yosd ones Winter and Spring) To wich they then accused me of having bought recasts (recast=fake=stolen from the original artist, and then copies get made to b sold for much cheaper)... i was furious LMAO, I would NEVER buy a recast, i did extensive research and saved up to be able to buy them, i bought them trough Think pink (used to be one of the only european dealers, they where located in the Netherlands... and have been out of bussiness for yeaaars now) and waited a couple of months to receive them! The reasen they acused me was bc the dolls where cheap even tho i tried to p[rove that they where real... i didnt talk to them anymore after that. I do now think this was the most nothing burger ever but i was a teen lmao. Afterwards i also thought "they dont even own any, what fucking ground do they have to stand on to accuse me???", i think its so funny looking back how worked up i got over this LMAO.
I get reminded of this every now and then, but some time ago i was also reminded of another "cosplay" they did. They where frustrated that they had to cover up parts of their cosplay, my ass was dumb and din ask what it was... hell when i saw it irl i din rly realize what it was, they had some tape on a hat and wore a long black coat, for some reasen i thought it was something alt fashion related?... it wasnt until years later that i realized that was a fucking nazi uniform. And to this day im just??? why tf??? where they wearing that???? WHY DID I NOT REALIZE??? CRYING??? LIKE YEA IT MADE FUCKING SENSE THEY HAD TO COVER UP THEIR "COSPLAY"
I have no clue if this person is still cosplaying or goes to cons, i only really vaguely remember their face. wait... i got struck by a thought... memory?? maybe... their name was Lee? also! if it isnt Lee im sorry to the imaginary Lee. If it Lee idc ab putting some weirdo on "blast" (yes on my very publicly availble blog that billions of trillions of ppl read)

Wich brings me to my next point that i wanna look into. Why tf is alot of kink and fetish clothes nazi inspired???
Aight looked it up, kinda self explanatory ngl. Just the "taboo", control and also kinda making fun of the original thing? My bad ig

swimmy swam

Due to a mix of gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia i havnt been to a pool or anything since i was 14 years old. 

My partner and friend wanted to celebrate their bday together at my partners parents pool. At first i was unsure. But i knew now i feel ok i would regret not going and participate. Due to it being planned a lil last minute i was scrambling and having a hard time to find some kinda swim shorts... to wich a friend offered to help make one w their partner. So i ordered 2 in difr colors, wich got sewn together! 

I went in the pool for hours and had so much fun!! When i got out i was so exhausted LMAO. I had alot of fun :3

Wich reminds me

I should make a folded on pc and save like all pictures for memorys... idk why i havnt done that yet hhh 

 

Weather is finally much better! its around 18 degrees atm yippay.

 

Made a new playlist, just music thats fun? "yaaay happy dance! yahhoo!" idk how else to describe it man lmao. Have a listen :3

 

Im looking at webdev resources again (waw i know), and alot of ppls carrds r so fucking tiny??? I asume this is so it would still look ok on mobile, but my ass blind af and also?? why tf give coding resources on mobile?? IF YA WANNA CODE DO IT ON YA PUTER FFS
Anyway, finally been tryna make my "fun" page. But i got no idea what i wanna do for it theme wise, so layout is hard to figure out aswel. I did recently learn about iframes, so that might come in handy.
I made a recolord ver of my main cursor and figured out how to make it change to teh recolored ver when hover over a link. I feel so ridiculous but it makes me happy to figuire stuff out yippee. Also wanna give some kinda visual input if u hover the navigation buttons

 

Update on spotify, i dont know how?? but the "repeat" icon was turned off, so it indeed only played the playlist once and turned off... 

URIEL GET OUTA HERE IM NOT RELIGIOUS

I put music on to sleep otherwise i start doom thinking, potentially scaring myself or giving myself a panic atack... But recently spotify has been acting weird?? It like sudenly stops outa nowhere? And i wake up confused as all hell "am i deaf or did it stop". Just annoying bs man

Ok a day later now.... i think it stops playing when the playlist ends? Still confusing bc it din used to do that

I dreamd i was in a post apocalyptic wasteland guarded by beings that called themselves angels. These angels where tall but they all looked just a bit difr from eachother. I worked around the docks at the beach with other ppl. We had to go trough heaps of trash to find usable stuff to turn into other goods. The angel to oversee our work was called Uriel. Uriel for some godamn reasen rly hated my ass. This part is vauge?? At some point we got atacked? Or meteorites fell? Idk? But many died, some wounded (no clue how i was ok) and badly deformed? Humanoid? Beings? Started washing up at the beach. I tried to help them. Idk hpw to better describe it but it was like some of them where partially burned or melted? They werent in pain. Alot of tgem had missing limbs. Uriel seemed to also be wounded, like half their face was mutilated. Idk why but Uriel said smtg along the lines of "get these eye-sores to work" to wich i responded "well ur not exactly the prettyest one around either"... yea Uriel wanted me dead LMAO. They only kept me alive bc majority of tge otgers died. I tried to mainly help out the ppl that washed up. But tgen much later Uriels halo was broken? I gues they where a falen angel then?? I also took care of them. I dont remember more then that...

However i was curious n looked stuff up... Uriel is an actual angel from The Bible??? and became a fallen angel joining lucifer..??? Wha?? Uh???? 

The loss of Den of Angels

Before i got my first BJD i did extensive research. Back in 2015 there was a small local con that had a panel about them wich i attended. There i got suggested to join Den Of Angels (AKA DOA). I remember my join date being May 2015, somewhere after my birthday. That same year in september i was able to buy my first BJD, secondhand from somebody that lives a 2h drive away from me, i know this bc my grandpa drove me there in trade that i had to accompany him to visit some family that lived close by. While i dont own the body anymore, i still have the head. A Vanidoll Zoe, it was an artist cast head so theres some imperfections but i still like the head alot. Only a handful of people own this head, back when instagrams tag system still worked there where like 5 difrent people with one (wich included me). And for many years now the artist has vanished from the internet. 

As of next month DOA is officially closing down. Ive known for several months now, the reasen being that the owner of the site disapeared and the only 2 mods left are not able to re-new the site without ownership transfer. I was thus hoping the owner would do this... but alas... If im not mistaken this year DOA would have turned 22years old. Its no secret that forums and likewise sites have been disapearing more and more. And while DOA wasnt the most social place, it was THE place for information. There was also a secondhand market wich you could only acces after you where a member for a few weeks and had like 30 comments to your acc, this would help prevent scams. It was the only place you could be secure of buying a legit secondhand BJD. Afterwards people left feedback to eachother.

DOA wasnt a perfect place ofcourse. Tumblr has (had? not sure if its still up) a blog called BJDconfessions. There i kept up with the latest news and drama of the comunity... taken with a grain of salt of course (tho funny, everybody knew of  it but if you confessed to reading it you where considered a drama seeker). On the blog DOA often got criticized for being elitist (in this context: collectors there preffered people who had the expensive brands like Fairyland, Dollshe and whatnot)...
Ok can confirm theres still similer blogs like the-bjd-community-confess, givemethatbjdtea and bjd-confessional. And while idk any of the current names thrown around, it is just the same old type of drama lol. An anoying thing i found myself is that you where allowed only one account, valid, this was so if u scammed ppl, you could not evade this by making a new profile... However you where NOT allowed to change your username!! At all! They claimed this was for siml reasen HOWEVER?? Just do like steam and display like "xyz used to be known as abc", problem solved. The main problem was that if you made a new acc and they figured out you got thrown out on both accs... This was a big issue when somebody tried to make a new acc bc their old one had their deadname and the mods where like "rules aply to everybody"... On another note my username was "Oliver", no numbers or special signs, just Oliver. Was pretty proud of that... Except that it for years felt so removed from my current identity. Ofc i put on there my current handles and what have you. But still yea

For a reeeaaallly long time i was obssessed with BJDs. I constantly kept up with the latest releases (NOT BUYING! Just looking lmao). I was pretty active in the comunity and still have alot of mutuals from back then. But im intrests have shifted, i still love it! Its just not my main intrest nowadays. The comunity used to be mainly on instagram but with the tag system broken it became imposible to find anything. People shifted to discord and while sure i am on discord, im just not great in big social comunitys. I often just feel ignored or confused bc theres to many difr chats and then loose intrest.

Dispite all that i still have retained all my knowledge, whilst its a bit more dificult nowadays bc i havnt kept up with new releases, im still able to identify a big portion of dolls... Hell more recently my friend asked me what sculpt her doll was wich she bought years ago... and ofc i remembered LMAO.

I find it sad that DOA is closing, today i wanted to take a final look around, take some screenshots of some memories and whatnot... but its like broken? Like the CSS isnt working? I could still log in but other then that i wasnt able to actually look around... Ill try again in a few days. But heres a pic from the wayback machine

I really wanna make a shrine on my site for BJDs, add a bunch or resources too for ppl... but that might take a bit till i get to that
If anybody reading this is intrested in BJDs pls let me know. Id love to share my knowledge and/or answer any questions.
For now i will leave these:
BJD Collectasy - For new releases and any news
Alice's Collections - My go to dealer
The Discord Server
If a doll is for sale on Alixpress, Amazon, Wish or likewise... Its not real, avoid at all cost.

evil twink and nightmare

I dont rly know alot about Berserk. But some ppl linked some characters to the first Fear & Hunger characters so i get it a lil bit. Im always on the edge of wanting to get into it just bc of the character Griffith. I find him very intresting and all fanart is so freaking good??? But what i hear from the story i might not like him... So i just apreciate from afar... Might buy a print if i rly like it, just nervous artist will ask me about it (just as in sharing exitement ab liking the show/manga) and id have to be "no sorry i just like this evil twinks energy"... tho i could just say its for a friend

Sorted my loose stickers, put my posm and clown stickers in their respective stickerbooks and then din wanna continue the task. Wich reminds me, i really want a re-usable stickerbook where i can change the pages around.
I also wanna get a binder to put my prints in. I have plenty of room in my room to hang em but its such a daunting task? And i honestly dont know wich prints i have atm + sorting prints is exiting. Id like 3 binders just so i can sort prints by size... i should look into cute binder or a rly plain one n decorate the shit outta it

 Still stuck on Button and username.

Woke up like 5 mins b4 alarm, again blanket on me??? I dreamd i had to go trough levels? And depending of if u survived or lost u went to a more horrific lvl tgen then tge prev. But losing meant u died, like u physicly felt like u died. But tgen wake up in a difr lvl. And everybody tgere gies trough tge sqme but like. If 3 ppl "win" they gi to 3 difr lvls. Not tge same. So some ppl chose to stay in tge same lvl to figure stuff out or to help others. At some point some "lvl" had ppl devided in 3 teams. I was on a team that had like wolves? Idk generic canine creature as insignia. Uh CW just straight up gore ||and the other 2 teams where meant to come skin us and replace our bones with that of canines, but u kinda stayed alive n felt the whole progress till they finished and u "move on"||

Right b4 i woke up i was at the "finish line". Ppl told me if i went trough id never b qble to return so i was like "uh yea thats my goal". When i went trough, gran was tgere n i hugged her while crying... and then i woke up

Gadgets

Ive been using spotify since i was 12 years old... so for 14 years now. For THE LONGEST time i didnt get a sub. But a few years ago i caved. But spotify being evil n all that rly makes me re-consider... + i rly love listening to dj sets wich u can only rly find on yt... but yt also evil... i gues i can start pirating... will take forever... i could get an mp3 if i wanna listen on the road... but i think thas just exitement for "OOOGH NEW GADGET, BUY NEW GADGET YESSS"
However i have been meaning to try and spend less of my day on my pc/online... wich is rly hard due to disability, it being right in front of me on my desk and habit. But i gues having a gadget w music n turning off pc/phone could help. For my bday i gotn acrylic markers and watercolor paint n i still havnt gotten to using it... I wanna just spend more time crafting and arting... but pc/phone is made by the devil and ADHD is its biggest fan. I have been using social media alot less tho. Still dificoultys with instagram... I mainly use tumblr, youtube and neocities nowadays... i gues discord but thas only rly to talk with friends
Im now imagining doing art listening to mp3 and it sounds nice. But i know the actual doing will b difrent lol

My fucking eye is at it again, i wanna gauge it out. 

Ive also been making a new character... Morwyn... should talk ab them on other blog

I FINALLY finished Astras Ref sheet... cough... more or less... i got tired of it and was like "welp, better this then nothing". Theres so many characters in my head, but then actually designing them is so hard... oh Autumn... one day yould be real (Made her when i was like 16... 10YEARS OH LORD). Ok well tbf Autumn started off much difr then she ended up being. Shes suposed to be a butch leaning lesbian, idk how to draw that -insert despair emote-. It is funny that Astra (antagonist of naufragii) got a ref b4 Autumn (mc of naufragii).

Will i ever be pleased

I hate!!! pintrest!! idk why i even went on there! I wasted my whole day! AAAA
Also my back hurt hhh

Microwave broke buttt we have a new one... its smaller tho... like alot smaller... and its hard to see inside when the door is closed. 

Also gran bought herself a white gold necklace to hang the charm on w our dog ashes. Reasen for white gold is bc she alergic to alot of other metals. However it ended up costing 900euros?? and like she never buys herself anything, shes ofc allowed to do w her money what she wants to. BUT GOOD GOD?? Rly had to fight the demons or idv reacted mean (IDK WHY??? IM NOT MEAN!! I FEEL TERRIBLE WAHHH) 

Warmth... uncomfrtbl to sleep... tired... wuh

Im trynna make a button to put on my site. But im stuck. Its kinda like a tiny pixelated bussines card. It gotta represent you, or rather your site. It should look a bit intresting so if somebody has it oin their site, other should feel inclined to click on it. And idk what to rly put on it? I mean i gues my username... "Confettii-Gutz"... been overthinking that name too! I saw other ppl on neocities w that username who are decently active... I like my bussines username tho, dont wanna change that... but hhh confettii-gutz... i do like to keep gutz or guts bc of my character.

I think i narrowed it down to Gutzilla or Pupipop.
All i found on gutzilla is some dj? But pupipop seems to have some accounts around the internet. I could Add bytes or smtg. Pupipop-Bytes? Gutzilla-Bytes? I do like that Gutzilla is short, kinda cute, but ive never watched any of the Godzilla movies (idk feels "illegal" in my brain). Will sleep on it...

Been having alot of gender thoughts lately, dont like it. It feels so complicated. Im happy with my top surgery! Im happy with the changes ive had trough hrt. But being considered a man been giving me more dysphoria. Ive more often think about wearing a pretty dress or a cute skirt, doing my makeup. But anytime i try to do it i feel like uhh "a pig wearing lipstick"? I feel ridiculous, ashamed? Wich is ironic bc i like to dress in flashy colors. And i know my gran wouldnt care, but still the thought in my head lingers with cishet ppl "theyl think im faking being trans" or smtg.
I hate gender

Dude sometimes i just got no clue what to title these

I felt like absolute kaka bc i forgot to take my meds yesterday. It makes me feel? odd? dizzy? idk but its not great. Took em when i woke up and 4h later im finally somewhat ok. 

Is now midl of night next day. Woke up for regular pee. But im shaking like crazy??? No clue whats that ab. Also ive wokn up multipl times b4 n i feel so hungry each time? I eat! Idk whas wrong w me. Ig i do need my T shot this week...

Started watching Haunted Hotel a few days ago, it gave me Ghost vibes but animated? Its entertaining enough to watch while i eat...
Now its no secret i have some difficult feelings around my mom, saying i have "mommy issues" is not exactly wrong... but i never knew my dad and never really cared for him or wanting to know him. Wont lie that i sometimes wonder what he thinks, like of me and everything (not that it would matter, just curiosity). Since i was 3 months my grandparents been raising me, my grandpa was my father "figure"... Well i feel like people never really get it especially when they have a father and grandparents. I lost my grandpa some years ago and i find it frustrating that people seem to link it to the same degree as their grandparents. And yea losing any kind of family member can be hard. But pls stfu if you think your grandfather you saw maybe once a month or only at family gatherings, having died, as the same lvl of emotional impact as mine dying. My grandpa wasnt even blood related to me, yet he raised me as if i was his own child. Anyway thats besides the point.
I just wanted to say, i grew up with a father figure in my life who loved me... wich brings me to Haunted Hotel. The 2 main kids have no dad but one episode has the lil sister raising a dead guy to stand in as their dad. And at the end they "let him go" bc well hes decaying and yada yada. But it made me realize that often media with such themes ab an absent father get to me? and i dont understand why. I cant find the link in my brain as to why it gets to me? I had a father figure, the father role was fulfilled in my life. And i trully could not care less if my bio father died this second, that guy is a stranger to me (and from what my family says he was a real pos ontop). If i had the option to meet him i would simply not wanna.
Welp idk, emotions r strange, i hate em

Saw this picture... would b cool to draw Mettaton using it as refr... but i dont make prints so ehhhh

Hair dispair

Weeeeeeeeehhhh
i put up my hair and i feel so ridiculous. Thousand butthole cramps to my hairdresser! I havnt been ina couple years now i think... but the sides r just not!! growing!!! I mean they r but so slooow. Theyre at a ridiculous length rn snirf. I put it up bc its summer n i hate when its hot n smtg touches my neck. Reasen i dont return to hairdresser is bc i felt infantilized by the owner... He was nice, but knew im autistic... and last time i went he told me he saw my T shots where working bc i was getting male pastern baldness... I was mortified lmao. If i want a haircut ill do it myself or ask a friend. Anyway that just to say... i wanna b able to feel nice while i put up my hair but i cant :^( I did try to style the front a lil but its hard!!! i wish i had those side dangles! they r cute!
Anyway drew this to show my problem

Friend wants to buy from HolyClothing and asked if i want anything... And i do ;;
I want the Arthur top, Celeborn coat, Oberon pants, and maaaybbee the Tauriel top? But idk in what colors... i put em all in cart to see how much... 324?? EUROS??? GURL hhhgghghgjkg

Coding and coding and coding

First off the last few posts have weird time stamps bc for some reasen when i tried to post them it sheduled it instead. And for some reasen it then refused to actually post? so i then fix it but it makes it so it seems that i posted it then while it should b another time... whatever 

Trying to make my main page again. I feel like i might be making the most cursed code in existence, but... it works

AAAaaaaaannnddd thats a wrap... pretty much spend whole day on this but very happy with it!

 

what da glorp

Whaaa! I finally did it! After fighting for so long, the other day i asked 2 friends of mine that i was rly confused ab a coding issue. And they helped me with it alot! My first time coding from scratch wuhh.
But i made my "about me" page! Ofc not the prettiest out there and its still a wip. But im so happy with it! They told me i should rly try to learn about flex boxes so will have to practice that.

 

Also will b deleting the lil update thingy in my main page.. idk just kinda stresses me out if i forget and then had to add another day but by then i forgot what i actually did... 

something that pisses me off ab vsc is how the errors in my code dont make sense... im tired rn so i dont feel like solving it either hhh... and i kinda wanna... code my main page from scratch too... like i love the template!! but i want it to be mine

I tried... but got too tired and a lil frustrated so gave up n now in bed

uxtoxucitx85

Hhh im over emotional rn. Very short fuse, confused, dont feel like being social at all, n i feel like crying.
the other day i bought a pack of those re-freezable cold pack things, was sheduled to b deliverd today. I got an email w a pic of the package on my poist box saying it was deliverd around 14.00... They didnt ring my doorbell. When i went to look it wasnt there, somebody stole it? Very frustrating but usually an issue i can deal with. Now? i feel like bawling my eyes out. Im getting send a new one for free, hell theres other solutions. This should not be that big of a deal. Yet im holding myself back from crying.
People are trying to help but! now! is not the time! i wanna be left alone bc i know im being mean without realizing. 

 

chair n lolly

its 3am rn, my chair arrived yesterday!? and ofc... im building it rn hhh 
im too exited to wait for the heat to pass + the annoyance of my chair lowering by itself is rly... getting to me.
4.30 finished and put old one outside... womp womp lmao
woulda finished sooner if i din start looking for cooling pads lmao
put towels on the chair bc i sweaty as hell... but first i shoiwer.... not like itl do alot considering itl get 37 degrees today... but the thought counts! and i wanna wash my hair... then i can finally eat yippee

5.08 am finished shower! Now sitting on my wel deserved chai- NOOOO THE SEATING AREA IS SMALLER! I like to "sit" on my left leg like half criss cross? but just my left leg is up (idk why man, been doing that since a lil kid, it feels most comfortable) but when i try with new chair my left knee is dangling off chair (despair despair despair despair despair despair despair)
The arm rest also dont have foam? is just hard plastic, minor but hhh. I should b able to buy some foam for the arm rests. 

Fuuuuuuckkkk i waited too long to eat n now iim nausious aaaa
Shower did nice tho yay 

15.16 friend deliverd an extra fan and those ice lollys ;; i full on expected to get those sunday, very very greatful to have em today ;;

Its 09.36 next day. Tge fan is GREAT! I like that it can spin on its own :^0

Ice lollys great! Later i might pop some in my drink, is ice + flavour >:3

Also been usimg my canteen? Water flask? Idk... but very useful in the heat. Also filled it up to put next to my bed n still cold (as intended). It annoyed me that my drinks kept getting warm so im happy i remembered lol.

Yesterday i got rly overstimulated n almost had a meltdown. I think weathrr n i was awake for a lomg time. So i headed to bed. Gran thought i was upset w her but after explaining she understood. Im happy ab this bc a few year back we wouldv had am argument ab it (main cause just being lack of understandable comunication)

Today 36degrees hhh. 

Normally monday we wouldv been w/o electricity but neighbour called n aperently its been changed to next month. Good bc its way too hot for that.

Will try to rest some more

knocking myself out w a pan

Took me long enough but i got so frustrated w my desk chair n finally orderd a new one... its mesh! Also its pink bc they din have blue. I also wanna get a pillow for it... just for comfy.

Also orderd sleeping mask and bonnet.

Im in bed rn... since like 2pm (is 6pm now) but having hard time sleeping. Blaming heat.

11pm

Ok im used to sleeping in short interfalls. Usuqlly 3h to 4h, wake up confused as all hell, look at time n roll around. But now its like an hour hhh

 

Its 2 days later. Yesterday i coded some more but got rly frustrated.

Woke up at 2am, is 7am rn.

Rly wanna sleep more but having hard time. Today its gon get like 37°c hhhh

 Got sleep mask tho... just mainly trouble w heat

Will always have trouble w it but i reached out for help. I always feel when i do sigh

ples l;et wibter come soon

It stormed alot during the night. I rly liked it. Ive been awake since like 2am n its now 9am. I wanna sleep. It sucks it starts getting light out round like 4am. I got no problem going to bed when light out bc im dead tired then. But i have harder time falling asleep again when its light. I wanna get a sleeping mask i think. Also my eyes r gunky again??? Another reasen i dont wan get up. Is rly hot, wgen eye irritate n fan on i just cant see bc they hurt/itch then.

Went on to sleep till 1am, had plans to play game with friends but... yea. Starting to consume gore/uncomfortable media, laying in bed awake much longer then i should... im not doing great and the heat amplifies this. I feel gloomy and want to retreat from social contact... Socializing is becoming harder. Im sorry to friends, i apreciate all messages, but its taking more and more of my energy.

When i woke up i still went in vc tho. Friend and i body doubled eachother to draw. Im making very slow progress on my Astra ref, reasen it takes so long is bc i need to design so much. And Astra is a very importand character to me so i dont wanna half ass it... Kinda ironic bc Astra was made in a period of time i was doing mentally not so great. Anyway heres a lil wip, deciding to not line it. Also this is the best ever wings ive ever drawn, i will never b able to replicate it. Im happy they belong to Astra.

I also messely colored it bc i started too doubt stuff. Glad to confirm its how i imagined them. Only thing i din wanna give them paper white skin bc... oogly... AND idk wtf the inside of a lahore pigeons wing looks like?? Stuff will still change, mainly stuck on tattoos and clothes rn... I want pretty c lothe but... i no want draw cloht... 

Also lmao just remembered
Imagine scaryst guy in town, ppl shiver at the mention of their name... and its just some gnc twink.

I hope it storms again soon, i used to be scared of thunder but i found it oddly calming.
Anyway is noon i should head to bed to avoid the coming heat 

Grunkle stunkle :^(

My face hurts, specifically like bone, not my skin. 

General mood: annoyed, bit emotional

Its storming! Yay! a lil colder! Yippee!

Sudenly had a whiplash remembering Grelle Sutcliff, felt the hyperfixation come up but quikly beat that to death bc i DO NOT WANNA TOUCH BLACK BUTLER EVER AGAIN. Grelle you will forever stay in my heart, beautiful psychotic woman (yes woman, i will in fact personally come to your house and steal all your forks if you disagree)... perhaps... muehehehe... i make her into MY character... nyes... muehehehehe... 

 Todays Artfight update... I wanted to add my grunkle stunkle wins the funkle bunkle stamps