biiiiiig walky

Ngl i thought it was gonna be much easyer to find a skirt. My idea for the outfit i wanted to put together was a long brown tiered skirt, a yellow or green shirt (pref smtg with a pattern on) and then a bunch of red accesories. But Skirt wise finding anything that fits my hips seem imposible? I think i should settle on my brown pants and hope ill find a skirt one day. Top wise im still on the hunt. Made apointment to have my earlobes pierced wednesday! Since its in the city i might as well look in some stores for a top? or some jewelry? i do feel a bit... conflicted? im exited to have planned a day out, but im already dreading needing to get outta the house bc that means ill end up in pain n being exhausted. The whole not finding a skirt also brings the mood down so kinda feel a bit like garbage

I finally played big walk! Its a really fun game! screenshots from friend :3 (im the green n blue one)

Oh yea i saw that Lady Gaga has a baby now!?... or rather a Baby Gag-  i get blown into a bajilion smithereens

appley soise

No clue what i dreamd of but somebody said "if i where a pokemon that sucked, id be Roronoa Zoro"... and then i woke up??? 

Im so hungry but we got nothing in this damn house (see: w no prep, i dont wan make spaghetti n eat it in bed).. ive been surviving off of stale bread ad nutella bc mu brother ate the dsmn peanut butter... but... the apple sauce in the cabinet... it has been whispering my name.... it knows i musnt... I CANT NO FOR GRAN HAS GREAT PLANS IN YOUR FUTURE!... but it eyes me so when i get the nutella... i fear i might not be strong enough in the future to whitold myself... oh applesauce, how i crave you...

 

Downloaded obsidian, i been customizing the ui for HOURS, sudenly got filled with dread? like i got overwhelmed? and i shut it down, was not happy with what i did LMAO. 

 

Partner sadly cant get piercing soon so i will have to go by my lonesome. Already mailed sombody some questions for an apointment. Hopefully somewhere next week. Exited to b able to have cute earings in the future :3

 

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of beginning this blog, yippee!

Ive not been writting here alot recently. I just dont have anything i wish to talk ab. Rest asured i will when i do

 

crying, as im about to close my pc to get in bed they decide to start doing construction outside. Both outside my window and from the livingrooms side. THEY HATE ME!!! 

Coding wise i finally made a sidemap. Tho i wanna make it visually clear wich pages are up and arent (likly just putting a das trough the ones that arent)

I went trough several hells trying to finally start a bead curtain. I have alot of beads but theyre all difr kinds of beads... so im making a tiny one w those small glass beads..  it look wonky as hell hhh. I will finish it tho

Bought tickets to epic doll fair! Itl b in march, exited! 

I become a... cute lil apple...

Bruh i really see like ass, I should get new glasses 

I look on pintrest and get so many fun earings shown, i love them but my holes closed... i dont wanna re-pierce them for like a fourth time... My only gripe w earings is that the backing hurts... hhhmm... Partner also wan get smtg in their ears. Once they know roughly when they get surgery we can get them togeter wehehe

Kinda wan get a haircut again... im tryna grow out the sides but i gues i can get the rest a bit shorter... Maybe try bangs? Was also thinking of turquoise, blue and purple dye? However i dont rly feel comfortable at tge hairdresser i used to go to... i felt infantilized... sure he respects my trans identity ig... kinda? However id b looking for a bit of a more fem style... i still get nervous ab "bothering" friends but i will ask one of my friends if they could... hello i know u read this... i blinks my bigs at you... 

HHMMM been thinking ab this for a long while, i might get a second cosmetic suitcase. First one my friends got me for my bday! Its rly handy for AA, however i always need extra bags filled w stuff ontop of that... Plus ive gotten a bunch more merch so id need to put that shit somewhere anyways... main 2 "problems": 1 Money, its not cheap and im ab to spend alot of AA already...wuh. 2 space, the one i have is in my room, the other one would not fit... meaning id have to store it outside my room, gran dosnt like that... ended up buying bc it has disciunt of 40€ + it will just benefit me more in the long run. 

Ive been wanting to present more fem lately. And i really wanna get a long skirt. Ive been kinda daydreaning ab an outfit i wanna put togeter... kinda twee/apple inspired? So color wise red, brown, yellow and green.
Im just a bit nervous ab accesories/jewelry, ive never really done that? and forsome reasen i get anxious "what if when i wear that outside ppl can tell i dont normally wear this stuff"... like yea ofc that is smtg that will happen... Wich reminds me, i wanna make some kind of vauge "wishlist" for myself, like i just kinda add "cute necklace for xyz outfit" and add a date to it. Bc sometimes i forget i want smtg untill waaaaaaay later ect.

Idk wtf is going on when i sleep or what i dream about? I woke myself up multiple times bc: i punched my wall, i pulled out my charger (no not accidental, i had it gripped), im yelling and i threw my plushie ONTO my desk (i have no clue how like theres is only a very tiny "window" bteween my bed and the desk that it passes trough??). The only reasen i know is bc each time i woke up from it. In the past i have kicked my wall too. Whatever demon is trynna get me in my sleep, look out bc I FIGHT BACK. I felt rly bad ab my plushie tho LMAO

hng... dizzy... din take meds even tho... THEY WHERE NEXT TO MY BED  

Help me get trough this Naruto...

Oh-
Listening to my spotify daylist getting hit with this song and suddenly im holding back tears. Sudenly im 13 again, nervous to start highschool, not knowing who i am, not understanding why im so different... discovering Naruto and relating alot to him. The song is the first ending to Naruto. I ended up watching all 220 episodes and around 200 of Shippuden (Naruto but as a teen) wich yea included the filler episodes (i din know what those where back in the day and had no idea you could skip them) + a good chunk of the movies. So yes save to say i was a huge fan. The only reasen i stopped watching was bc i compleatly forgot wich episode number i was on LMAO. The last i remember watching was Sasuke meeting the one guy that had sharingans in his arms? (Sharingan is like a special power type that shows trough a characters eyes). It was like my first anime (not counting Wolfs rain bc i only watched a singular episode or so) and i was obsessed. I remembered all the characters names and drew My self insert as a Ninja. Sadly this was a period in my life where i didnt realy have friends with my intrests... so i made my poor gran listen to my rambles about the characters and my thoughts on everything. At some point there where some episodes on TV and i still remember... it was Episode 8 to be precise, i made my grandparents and younger brother watch. I dont remember much but it was a sad episode, Gran and brother where crying, i was exited bc that means they like it...  

Idk why or even how but i keep waking up around 3am... i dreamed i had magical powers and i made somebody shit their pants?

This year Partner wants me to go to their family NYE party... likly gon have to be a yearly tradition... (despair). But first i have to meet their parents... Well ok i have met them but we where just friends. And so very last second i got invited to my partners (very late) bday dinner to meet them. Might as well bite the bullet bc well.. its to celebrate my partners bday... that happend 2 months ago... Im just rly stressing rn... wuh... Im not gon air dirty laundry that aint mine, but just from what my partner has told me... i dont feel the most comfortable around them. Also the food will be Vietnamese or thai (No Partner dosnt know even tho THEY chose it) and im a bit nervous its gonna be too spicy for my white ass. Besides?? i also am just not a big talker when im eating LMAO

Also some nerves for AA "i wont have enough" bc i made a singular keychain design and 3 stickers.... But i also made several re-usable bags, pencil cases, glasses cleaners and sticker sheets. I need to keep reminding myself to rly just make what im motivated in bc if i try to force like a keychain design i just kinda get stuck and "block" ending up doing nothing...

Doll idea... wuh-oh

I made a horrible discovery, Resinsoul has a head i hadnt seen before... Its called starshine, wich sparked an idea in my head... I have Ko-Eh as doll... What if i get Onyx... So i started editing some pictures togeter... Resinsoul is known to be really customizeable, to a degree that i have not seen any other doll campany do? Usually when u see a doll you can choose out of the pre-chosen options like resin color, normal head or sleeping head. When its artist made and they cast/print the doll themselves you could ask for a custom color. if you want anything fancy youd either do it yourself or commission a fellow hobby-ist... But Resinsoul has accepted some insane requests like; adding up to 4 extra arms (so 6 arms in total), 2 heads on a torso, basicly any custom color you want, if you want a head to match a body your buying you can send them the headcap and they will match it! multiple colors, like arms red, legs yellow ect even transparent colors!!. SPLIT COLOR!! this is a new one!! basicly half the doll is one color and the other half another BUT VERTICAL!! Changing ears out (like u want a head to have elf ears instead of human ears and they just, do that!). Sizing up/down parts to fit other dolls, they had paws that where originally made for 1/6 but somebody asked for 1/4 and they did that! Changing faces like adding eyes, closing/opening them and i even saw a cyclops! Installing magnets INTO the head, usually people put a magnet under a wig but its annoying to get right and when u take the wig off the magnets can move... urg.
Craziest thing of all is that theyre still one of the most cheapest dolls out there! EVEN WITH ALL THESE CUSTOM MODS! AND THEY ACCEPT LAYAWAY??? AND AND AND!! THEY COME WITH A FREAKING CARRY CASE!! 
The main cons IMO is: the site hasnt changed AT ALL, wich i gues can be neutral... They dont list all their availble products, and with DOA being shut down a majority of resources has been lost. I havnt bought one in years so maybe this has changed... but the eyes they include in dolls are so damn ugly LMAO.
I did find somebody who seems to be collecting pictures of customized resinsouls, Def go check it out. And there is the FB group... spend some time scrolling trough that, saw some of my own posts... having compleatly forgotten ab a doll i used to own? Lmao? 

So my idea is to ask Resinsoul to put the Starshine head on a B4225 body and then get them in multiple gray colors to match my characters design. On top of that id like to ask them to install magnets inside the head, Look around at their horns if any possibly match? and MAYBEE i could ask them to make the ears like in my concept (stretched earlobes) However its no problem if id need to add that on myself as im gon need to add the hair on the dragon tail too.

Heres some stuff i put togeter as concept!

 

On that note... id also like to sell some of my current dolls. If any friend of mine wanna get into that pls do hit me up... 

mortified by teenage me

SCREAMING I JUST REMEMBERED I WAS INTO TOGAINU NO CHI BACK IN HIGHSCHOOL AND DREW THAT ONE FREAK FOR AN ASSIGNMENT CRYING NOOOOOO

Ok let me give context to those that dont know, Togoinu no chi is from the same creators as DMMD. A BL visual novel that has content i SHOULDNT HAVE BEEN INTO AT THAT AGE. But alas... Mind you i never played it, i mainly read doujinshi and looked at the availble content online... My favorite character was a side character called Kau, i thought he looked really cool and ofc the weird teenager i was i liked to use my intrests in my school projects. I had to draw a comic where the teacher gave us the begining of the story and we all had to finish the rest in our own intepretation. So i made it that the mc went trough a magic mirror and saw Kau... Im putting him behind a spoiler for dramatic effect...

Reminiscing of an artist i once knew

When i see a puppy i become emotional. This isnt a new phenomenon. I look at puppys and feelings overwhelm me, not quiet sadness? Longing? A deep apreciation and love? It makes me feel like i should cry.

I really love dogs... ended up making dog character... her name is Ivy :3

I finally ended up making my button. Rly simple but i can always change it. So i aplied to some webrings! 

My brother went to Amsterdam for 10 days, hes back now and he brought me nougat ;u;

I havnt had it in so long, but i LOVE nougat!...

 

I really shouldnt think ab BJDs rn... but so many characters... NO GET IT TOGETHER I STILL HAVE DOLLS THAT NEED FINISHING... but i cant, my materials r somewhere in my room but idk where or how to reach them... NOO SHUT UP... hmmm light blue doll... AAAAAAA

On a doll related note, i saw that Epic doll fair will be in 2027 and my friend has her license now! Weve been wanting to go to this doll con for so many years now lmaoo, but its in the netherlands and would take about 4h by train to get there... "only" 2 hours with car!

 

I really badly need a friend i can throw money at who can crochet. Beaming the thought of wanting to crochet into all my friends.
Its just a craft i dont enjoy doing but theres stuff i want hhh 

 

WARNING!
the following part is me talking about an artist who has some darker and heavy themes like selfharm, abuse and gore. None of it is drawn in a hyper-realistic way tho. All art is "hidden" inside links

Doa update! now LE?

Update on Den of Angels (The BJD forum):

So In august (this month) the site was gonna close but get left on "read only". The reasen being that the mods could not contact the current owner to potentially switch ownership (bc the owner had not paid for site upkeep and basicly disapeared from the face of the earth). But now theres been a plot twist! The owner has been in the known all along! Got rid of the mods roles, the site is now in a non functioning state AND they left this msg??

 

So safe to say the community is hella confused. gues we gotta wait till september to find out more?

On the flip side the (now ex-)Mods of DOA made their own forum Called Lovely Everyone! (Or LE for short i think?) With updated rules, the are way less strict on doll type (much needed in this comunnity) AND they allow username change!!! The old name will display like on steam. So i made an acc, i thought it was gonna take awhile to get my acc aproved but it was approved after an hour! Back when i made an acc on DOA i had to wait several weeks, but given LE is rly new i supose not many people know of it yet?

As with DOA theres a min required post amount and wait time until u have acces to the market place... 2 months and 50 posts, however if its anything like DOA you can not just spam random bs to up ur count. So at EARLYEST i should have acces late oktober... i made 2 comments today but tgey counted as one so its as expected hhh thisl take forever. Either way im determined.

Headache for evil reasens yes

I keep biting on my tongue? I think its happening in my sleep? at the tip i keep having lil?? balls?? swelling?? and when it heals, it appears somewhere else. Ive had it all the way back at my tongue aswel. It hurts.
But then i start doom thinking, a family member (uncle of my mom, my great uncle?) died like 3 years ago due to cancer, he had a part of his tongue removed due to it. Now idk exact symptoms he had on his tongue tho. But cancer seems common in my moms family.
If any of my friends are now thinking of telling me to get it checked out; if you dare bring this up to me im never telling a doctor ab this ever in my life. So leave me alone (• ᴗ • )

Had horrible nightmares, this time i couldnt force myself awake so i thought they where real. Almost had a panic attack when i woke up. I dont wanna go in details, but i had to experience my entire being getting pulled apart, every nerve and vessel, over and over and over. Yet i was conscious for it all. I begged, tried to escape, but it just kept repeating over and over. I felt like if hell was real, it would be that.
I dont wanna remember more than that so ill keep it at that.

Hhngg headache...is this bc im not pure of heart? Headace bc im evil? Weh

When i dream of needing to go (back) to school i wake up so relieved... but also why tf do i dream so much of it hh. Especially of needing to redo middleschool as an adult, sitting among lil children...

to sketti or not to sketti... cookie...

Another day of eye problem, im so sick and tired of it. I have and done/taken today: eye drops, nose spray, allergy pill and sinutab pill (i wan make clear i din do all at once). its just so annoying, and ive noticed im really needing a new prescription for my eyes as in im seeing worse. The whole eye thing also makes me so annoyed! 

Today having a real hard time focusing in terms of doing tasks for AA, bc of the eye thing yea but also i just dont have the energy. Like i thought to do smtg else then bc i have ideas for new characters, but i just dont have the energy to draw. But my deadline is in like a week n smtg, i already have so many days i dont draw bc im sleeping... i dont have time for this. Theres so many things i wanna do... and then the question is this an off day or am i going down hill?

Tho its not like i din do anything today... i woke up at 3am, stayed in bed till 5am, got up and heated up a frozen pizza. I uh?? i dont remember what i did between then and 11.30 am? but i made 2 eggs with sausage and sliced up a tomato, ate that, din fill me at all so i ate a bowl of cereal... Then i wrote about a character, did idk on pintrest? and made a new ggl sheet doc for all my characters bc the prev one was... a mess n meant for other things + i wanted some place i could put all names i like and tik it off if i have a character with that name. and now its 16.28pm. I know i should give myself grace, i am LITERALLY disabled. But i feel like i wasted my day despite knowing i should have worked on AA

Oh yea i forgot... i made this stupid ass edit bc i wanted a new pfp on discord... sigh

I just... feel a bit misreble that i waste most of my days sleeping/resting and the lil time i have to b doing smtg im unable to. 

I should try n make it a goal to just... get outa bed if i cant fall asleep again after like 1 or 2h... AND TO TAKE MY MEDS EVERYDAY BC I GET SO DIZZY IF DONT AAAHH

Bruh somebody keeps making disgusting smelling food to the point its nauseating and i hate it. Im sorry to the person but it smells so baaaddd, its been going on for years now and rn rly isnt the time for this bs.

I feel like all i do is complain
complain, complain, complain...
im tired... i wanna go to bed but gran said shed make spagthetti... Gran came home but decided no more sgetti... however gran n i just been talking

I am giving up on trying to b productive for today... will attempt to finish character entree but then... rest...
ok i looked up n aperently allergy can make u tired and exhausted, so theres that

It is now 19.00 and i finished writing... go take a look if youd like :3 tho lil reminder that blog is dedicated to me talking ab my characters! im not great at writing, but i still wish to share ;u;

Water bottle :'^(((

i keep hearing some kinda squeeking? Like somebody is on a swing or smtg. but its been going on for like an hour. Driving me nuts ngl...ok 2h later it stopped thank god.

For awhile now ive been making an "irrational list" a list of thoughts, fears, things i do or wanna do but i know are... irrational. Some make no sense. Maybe i should add it to my About me page.

I kept falling asleep n seeing a tiger, forcefully waking myself up... falling asleep again n seeing a tiger...
I had multiple such ocasions where i forcefully woke myself up bc i was scared... why nightmare, wtf is stressing me out now???? the sumup??? 

Found cool song, Been listening to it on repeat lol

For a long time i had trouble with branding and my art identity, I kept tryna incorporate this art style into my business? Just to show ppl "i can draw liike this too and im rly proud of it!" but time n time again i find that i have a hard time with it. Making it look good as merch i like and then it also dont sell.
Ive "come to terms" that it would never rly work out, so its just and art style i keep to myself... not on purpose! Just if you only have so much energy, you need to keep in mind what to spend it on. In short i just havent really had time for it, except the occasional sketch in my sketchbook. Idk why but i had it in my head that the chibi style i draw in is "lesser" then the other and so my brand would be seen as worse?
I will say since ive been embracing it fully ive been enjoying it alot more (the chibi style). I dont rly try to match them to eachother, sometimes ill add shadows, sometimes ill use a more sketchy aproach ect but overall they dont seem out of place. 

I dreamt i found a lil tuxedo kitten. Looked like a used tissue, he hated everybody except me. So i took care of him. I called him Water bottle or Otto for short. He had white feet and pretty much clung to me. When i went to bed he slept on or near me. He din wan be pat by anybody else n would hiss if ppl came to close. Idk what lead to it but i got kidnapped, Water bottle tried to run after me but was stopped by an open bridge. He was pretty much howl-meowing. I had to do rly weird tasks? I barely remember them. But then a guy helped me escape. After like months i made it to a place where other ppl went who also got saved? A lady there said they found a cat in a pretty bad state but they couldnt help it bc it was dangerous. So i ask if i could help, she warned me but i rly wanted to incase it was my cat. When tgey open the door and i tell tge cat im here to help them. And out of a cattree crawls Water bottle rly weakly. So i cry and pick him up bc im so happy to see him again. It then time skips??? Water bottle is now HUGE, like lion size. And im like a captain for this organisation now? I have a friend whos thw guy that helped me escape. Outa nowhere somebody let me know that not only is Water bottle a girl but shes also pregnant. Alot of ppl wanted to cage her up?? N im like pls he (i kept reffering to Otto as he) will get violent. N a lady said thats exactly why they wanted him caged up. I was rly sad but agreed hoping it would keep him save. It took like a whole army to get him in a cage. I kept by his side. When the lil kittens where born i went in the cage and Water bottle was happy to b pat again. Ppl let me know that since Water bottle isnt a cat the kittens wont b either. So Water bottle must b released in the wild w his kittens to raise them. I was devestated but agreed bc i wanted the best for him. We released them in some jugnle? I hugged him one last time and left in a helicopter. I saw Water bottle was rly confused and tried to run after it. That night i went to bed with no Water bottle and cried alot... and then i woke up. Did NOT enjoy that, THAT WAS MY BABY HE DIN DESERVE THAT NOOOOOOOO

I fell asleep again and also dreamt Gran was pissing me tf off while we where trying to grocery shop LMAO

blurbs of thoughts

I sometimes feel like my teeth dont really fit into my mouth correctly? 

When i woke up i wasnt really... propperly awake i think? i looked at my hand and it wasnt correct? it kept changing, i kept having to count my fingers bc i was convinced i had to many lmao. I was just kinda going "yoo whadahell holy shit" and giggling, i wasnt freaked out tho, i knew it was bc i wasnt like propperly awake yet

I have 2 ice lollys left, im being so brave and eating the second last one rn. But oh lord is it stressing me out. I get anxious ab "last" things. Bc if i eat/watch/do the "last" thing, its done, no more. So if i keep 1 or 2 there is still left, so its not finished... 

hgn hea dache hyugry....

i hate how stuborn i am ab stupid bs...

oh-
Im starting to spiral, i need to go to bed 

i just feel bad now... i wish i could be making so much more art for AA, i wish i wasnt stupid and said it was a hobby so the stupid thing still worked, i wish i had the energy to make an apointment with my auticoach and go to the actual apointment... "why do i even continue with any of this"
aight kicking my own ass to bed

Can Pierce die in his sleep already... pls

For the past couple of weeks ive been looking at the weather app religiously, hoping it will drop down and actually stay down. It got to like 30 with 23 in sight but then back up to 28 on sunday. Been using my ice pack alot, rly happy with them. Been drinking alot of water (to woever is reading, go drink some water rn please)

Yall it just now hit me... Monét X Change... Money Exchange. I feel embarrassed LMAO. Whenever i read her name i just kinda thought of the painter... I made the realization bc i said the painters name out loud. 

I wanna apply for webrings... the only thing holding me back is wanting a button first. Alot of webrings ask it (tho its not needed) and i feel like it would just be a bigger hassle if i apply w/o one and them ask to add one. hm hm hm

A new hyperfixation is slowly creeping up... im trying my darnest best to keep it at bay... Beaded banners/curtains... they looks so cute and seem fairly easy to make!

Man??? Idk how but i managed to scratch myself in my sleep again?? 

I have 2 sleeping playlists i switch betwedn n sometines i put on other playlists too. My main has no lyrics, my second mostly does. In my second i have this song Breathe (in the Air) from Pink Floyd n the first few seconds always confuses the hell outa me lmao

Ive been watchimg Comminity whenever i eat. Its a bit dated but i still think its charming n i like a good chunk of the characters (not pierce, hes creepy n a weirdo in a bad way) just bit weird to me that Troy is Childish Gambino. I think my fav character is Abed... i just relate alot to him. Reasen i watch these kinda shows is bc theyre like 25mins long, i can leave mid epusode n cone back w/o needing to remember major plot lines n i find it entertaining. Idk why it feels like enjoying these types of media feel "wrong" for me. Lije its only a guity pleasure... maybe brain think "dont wanna b like one of those... normies" idk, is populair for reasen?

Welp i go back to sleep

i dont wanna gather any magic thank u

I renewed my carrd subscription more recently but i think it might b my last time. Theres nothing rly wrong w carrd, i just feel like i can code it myself now n add a bunch of other stuff then aswel but just get a neocities subscription. 

Sigh ive been thinking ab AA a bunch, i gues more so my brand in general. I dont wanna quit by any means, i like creating stuff n selling at cons! But the social media aspect... i dont wanna b an influencer! I dont wanna worry ab when to post smtg and feel like ass bc only 3 ppl saw it.

But i do wanna atleast let ppl know something, i dont wanna b forgotten or smtg...

Maybe i can do a monthly update? Write what ive done, my plans ect. N post a bunch of art along w it. Idk could b intresting? 

Problem w the fuck ass sumup thing prevails. I need to START  looking for solutions...help? Idk... wtf do i even do. I dont wanna potentially lose disability money. N i have a hard time getting myself to focus on this bc it makes me anxious hh

I slept like shit

Got outta bed at 10.30 for my T shot. Idk how or why it came up, but nurse the that gave my T shot was also autistic n upon learning i am aswel told me theres a place still open in her local magic the gathering group LMAO. Ive never played... imma look into it

ok ate breakfast, felt like  kaka poopoo till like 14.30. Im a bit tired but im fine.

 

As a change of routine i was looking around neocities, just putting resources in my ever growing spreadsheet. Wich reminds me, i deleted all the links i shared online bc i realized its linked to an email w my name on. Idc that friends see that but i dont rly want that out in the open for every stranger to come by. The reasen i put it in a spreadsheet was so i can acces it anywhere and share it with ppl + to clean up my bookmarks. I might just copy it to another email... wich does make me think, are there better tools out there for this? I supose coding smtg urself ig, but i like the ease of spreadsheet where u put it in n its instantly online... 

 

Looked into magic the gathering, just on the site ab the rules ect. Reminds me a lil of Inscryption and the card game in genshin impact so i feel like if i actually take my time with it i could actually learn it.
Hmmm alright so on one side seems like a decent game that i might enjoy. On the other i know myself n this could lead into another expensive hobby... so imma stay away from it LMAO

just complaining lol

Im not sure why the world is so obsessed with "adult" animation/comedy. Im 100% not the target audience, ive tried so many, yet none i find funny nor enjoyable to watch. And its not like i stop after an episode or so, i sit trough several seasens just kinda hoping itl get better but it just dosnt. 
Ive tried South Park, Rick & Morty, Family Guy, Bojack Horseman, Big Mouth and Smiling Friends. Tho Bojack Horseman i dislike bc its so depressing lmao, i finished the whole thing and just din enjoy it, tho i can see why ppl might like it... the others however not at all. Im no prude by any means, but its all just bigoted bs, all the blanc-ist (race-sex-homo-ect), toillet humor. Ppl say its "edgy humor" but i feel like the only reasen somebody may laugh at it is bc theyre uncomfortable. I dont know why i keep giving it a try?? well, they have huge fan bases so "there must be smtg good about it" right?... right???... sigh
I find ALOT of things funny, but i seldom laugh at any of those. I suppose i now finally know some lore behind some memes... 

Wich reminds me, i should add a list with stuff i wanna watch/read on my site 

no way?? i code? again?

Finally got my disability payment!! I was sending Gran my monthly contribution and i put the extra in my savings... and then it kinda hit me like bruh... a disabled person is supposed to survive of this??? Granted i think id get more if i lived alone. But still! Im like too nervous to calculate my monthly payments bc that means id have even less, so im just living in bliss of that hhh. I gues im just a lil upset that i now get much less then what i did b4 this whole bs started happening. Im just rly trying not to think ab it too much bc knowing this is likly gon b it till i die is depressing as hell.

And then fucking sumup, I asked sumup to change my shop name. They asked for some kinda proof and my dumbass said i dont got that, i only do it as a hobby. And my thing got shut down. At first they where being rly asses bc i kept asking why. But eventually i got a propper answer. Aperently your not allowed to do it as a hobby... only a real shop??? I cant make a new one BC THEY TOOK MY FUCKING NAME. So ive been rly stressed ab that bc alot of ppl at cons pay w card, id loose ALOT of money if i cant accept card. Looking online there seems to b no real replacement. I think imma contact my auticoach te help me with this

Anyway coded more... i should prolly delete all the other saves (like i literly still have the first time i saved lmao). Happy with how it looks!!! The marquee with the stamps at the top pauses when u hover over it :^D I should think of stuff to put in the right div, maybe some blinkies? And then i should try and decorate with pictures of dogs (its suposed to be wanwancore themed)... and that godforsakend button... IF ID HAVE A USERNAME IT B EASYER! 

 

Must say, i keep all the screenshots i take (i take one everytime i upload it to neocities) and its been fun seeing the progression! Im proud to see how much ive done and learned in only 5 month! It was rly intimidating at first, but im happy i started bc ive been having alot of fun with it :3

 

 

Its gon get above 30degrees again... pls kill me already 

new theme, same ol' bs

organized my folders and added a warning/landing page!

Did notice my pictures broke but im tired so ill fix those another day

One day ill add difr fonts... one day...

 

Oh yea i changed firefox theme! and made my taskbar also match + im using this cursor. Reasen? i just rly like hot pink lol

Lee(?) wherever u are, i hope u shit urself u weirdo

When i was still friends with my Ex i was also kinda "friends" with all their friends. I was like 14/15 around this time and they where part of the local cosplay community. My ass had major social anxiety so i kinda just hung around them always lol.
I remember them becoming good friends with somebody... but for the life of me i have no idea what they where called... Anyway this is about that person. All i remember is that they use they/them where like late 20s/early30s? and had a boyfriend, so nothing rly special LMAO. They where nice and thus i talked with them from time to time... oh! i remember they really liked supernatural and wore a cosplay of the guy with the wings... Castiel? idk, i just remember bc i wore my Clear cosplay then, for the 2nd time.
Anyway ive seen them a couple of times at cons back then, when i had the fight w my ex i wanted to keep up some friendships with people wich included them.
They told me my ex was aperently bad talking me to everybody, so that was great. 
I just remember this one time BJDs came up, so i was exited to tell them about it. I think around that time i received 2 Resinsoul centaurs (the yosd ones Winter and Spring) To wich they then accused me of having bought recasts (recast=fake=stolen from the original artist, and then copies get made to b sold for much cheaper)... i was furious LMAO, I would NEVER buy a recast, i did extensive research and saved up to be able to buy them, i bought them trough Think pink (used to be one of the only european dealers, they where located in the Netherlands... and have been out of bussiness for yeaaars now) and waited a couple of months to receive them! The reasen they acused me was bc the dolls where cheap even tho i tried to p[rove that they where real... i didnt talk to them anymore after that. I do now think this was the most nothing burger ever but i was a teen lmao. Afterwards i also thought "they dont even own any, what fucking ground do they have to stand on to accuse me???", i think its so funny looking back how worked up i got over this LMAO.
I get reminded of this every now and then, but some time ago i was also reminded of another "cosplay" they did. They where frustrated that they had to cover up parts of their cosplay, my ass was dumb and din ask what it was... hell when i saw it irl i din rly realize what it was, they had some tape on a hat and wore a long black coat, for some reasen i thought it was something alt fashion related?... it wasnt until years later that i realized that was a fucking nazi uniform. And to this day im just??? why tf??? where they wearing that???? WHY DID I NOT REALIZE??? CRYING??? LIKE YEA IT MADE FUCKING SENSE THEY HAD TO COVER UP THEIR "COSPLAY"
I have no clue if this person is still cosplaying or goes to cons, i only really vaguely remember their face. wait... i got struck by a thought... memory?? maybe... their name was Lee? also! if it isnt Lee im sorry to the imaginary Lee. If it Lee idc ab putting some weirdo on "blast" (yes on my very publicly availble blog that billions of trillions of ppl read)

Wich brings me to my next point that i wanna look into. Why tf is alot of kink and fetish clothes nazi inspired???
Aight looked it up, kinda self explanatory ngl. Just the "taboo", control and also kinda making fun of the original thing? My bad ig

swimmy swam

Due to a mix of gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia i havnt been to a pool or anything since i was 14 years old. 

My partner and friend wanted to celebrate their bday together at my partners parents pool. At first i was unsure. But i knew now i feel ok i would regret not going and participate. Due to it being planned a lil last minute i was scrambling and having a hard time to find some kinda swim shorts... to wich a friend offered to help make one w their partner. So i ordered 2 in difr colors, wich got sewn together! 

I went in the pool for hours and had so much fun!! When i got out i was so exhausted LMAO. I had alot of fun :3

Wich reminds me

I should make a folded on pc and save like all pictures for memorys... idk why i havnt done that yet hhh 

 

Weather is finally much better! its around 18 degrees atm yippay.

 

Made a new playlist, just music thats fun? "yaaay happy dance! yahhoo!" idk how else to describe it man lmao. Have a listen :3

 

Im looking at webdev resources again (waw i know), and alot of ppls carrds r so fucking tiny??? I asume this is so it would still look ok on mobile, but my ass blind af and also?? why tf give coding resources on mobile?? IF YA WANNA CODE DO IT ON YA PUTER FFS
Anyway, finally been tryna make my "fun" page. But i got no idea what i wanna do for it theme wise, so layout is hard to figure out aswel. I did recently learn about iframes, so that might come in handy.
I made a recolord ver of my main cursor and figured out how to make it change to teh recolored ver when hover over a link. I feel so ridiculous but it makes me happy to figuire stuff out yippee. Also wanna give some kinda visual input if u hover the navigation buttons

 

Update on spotify, i dont know how?? but the "repeat" icon was turned off, so it indeed only played the playlist once and turned off... 

URIEL GET OUTA HERE IM NOT RELIGIOUS

I put music on to sleep otherwise i start doom thinking, potentially scaring myself or giving myself a panic atack... But recently spotify has been acting weird?? It like sudenly stops outa nowhere? And i wake up confused as all hell "am i deaf or did it stop". Just annoying bs man

Ok a day later now.... i think it stops playing when the playlist ends? Still confusing bc it din used to do that

I dreamd i was in a post apocalyptic wasteland guarded by beings that called themselves angels. These angels where tall but they all looked just a bit difr from eachother. I worked around the docks at the beach with other ppl. We had to go trough heaps of trash to find usable stuff to turn into other goods. The angel to oversee our work was called Uriel. Uriel for some godamn reasen rly hated my ass. This part is vauge?? At some point we got atacked? Or meteorites fell? Idk? But many died, some wounded (no clue how i was ok) and badly deformed? Humanoid? Beings? Started washing up at the beach. I tried to help them. Idk hpw to better describe it but it was like some of them where partially burned or melted? They werent in pain. Alot of tgem had missing limbs. Uriel seemed to also be wounded, like half their face was mutilated. Idk why but Uriel said smtg along the lines of "get these eye-sores to work" to wich i responded "well ur not exactly the prettyest one around either"... yea Uriel wanted me dead LMAO. They only kept me alive bc majority of tge otgers died. I tried to mainly help out the ppl that washed up. But tgen much later Uriels halo was broken? I gues they where a falen angel then?? I also took care of them. I dont remember more then that...

However i was curious n looked stuff up... Uriel is an actual angel from The Bible??? and became a fallen angel joining lucifer..??? Wha?? Uh????