biiiiiig walky

Ngl i thought it was gonna be much easyer to find a skirt. My idea for the outfit i wanted to put together was a long brown tiered skirt, a yellow or green shirt (pref smtg with a pattern on) and then a bunch of red accesories. But Skirt wise finding anything that fits my hips seem imposible? I think i should settle on my brown pants and hope ill find a skirt one day. Top wise im still on the hunt. Made apointment to have my earlobes pierced wednesday! Since its in the city i might as well look in some stores for a top? or some jewelry? i do feel a bit... conflicted? im exited to have planned a day out, but im already dreading needing to get outta the house bc that means ill end up in pain n being exhausted. The whole not finding a skirt also brings the mood down so kinda feel a bit like garbage

I finally played big walk! Its a really fun game! screenshots from friend :3 (im the green n blue one)

Oh yea i saw that Lady Gaga has a baby now!?... or rather a Baby Gag-  i get blown into a bajilion smithereens

appley soise

No clue what i dreamd of but somebody said "if i where a pokemon that sucked, id be Roronoa Zoro"... and then i woke up??? 

Im so hungry but we got nothing in this damn house (see: w no prep, i dont wan make spaghetti n eat it in bed).. ive been surviving off of stale bread ad nutella bc mu brother ate the dsmn peanut butter... but... the apple sauce in the cabinet... it has been whispering my name.... it knows i musnt... I CANT NO FOR GRAN HAS GREAT PLANS IN YOUR FUTURE!... but it eyes me so when i get the nutella... i fear i might not be strong enough in the future to whitold myself... oh applesauce, how i crave you...

 

Downloaded obsidian, i been customizing the ui for HOURS, sudenly got filled with dread? like i got overwhelmed? and i shut it down, was not happy with what i did LMAO. 

 

Partner sadly cant get piercing soon so i will have to go by my lonesome. Already mailed sombody some questions for an apointment. Hopefully somewhere next week. Exited to b able to have cute earings in the future :3

 

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of beginning this blog, yippee!

Ive not been writting here alot recently. I just dont have anything i wish to talk ab. Rest asured i will when i do

 

crying, as im about to close my pc to get in bed they decide to start doing construction outside. Both outside my window and from the livingrooms side. THEY HATE ME!!! 

Coding wise i finally made a sidemap. Tho i wanna make it visually clear wich pages are up and arent (likly just putting a das trough the ones that arent)

I went trough several hells trying to finally start a bead curtain. I have alot of beads but theyre all difr kinds of beads... so im making a tiny one w those small glass beads..  it look wonky as hell hhh. I will finish it tho

Bought tickets to epic doll fair! Itl b in march, exited! 

I become a... cute lil apple...

Bruh i really see like ass, I should get new glasses 

I look on pintrest and get so many fun earings shown, i love them but my holes closed... i dont wanna re-pierce them for like a fourth time... My only gripe w earings is that the backing hurts... hhhmm... Partner also wan get smtg in their ears. Once they know roughly when they get surgery we can get them togeter wehehe

Kinda wan get a haircut again... im tryna grow out the sides but i gues i can get the rest a bit shorter... Maybe try bangs? Was also thinking of turquoise, blue and purple dye? However i dont rly feel comfortable at tge hairdresser i used to go to... i felt infantilized... sure he respects my trans identity ig... kinda? However id b looking for a bit of a more fem style... i still get nervous ab "bothering" friends but i will ask one of my friends if they could... hello i know u read this... i blinks my bigs at you... 

HHMMM been thinking ab this for a long while, i might get a second cosmetic suitcase. First one my friends got me for my bday! Its rly handy for AA, however i always need extra bags filled w stuff ontop of that... Plus ive gotten a bunch more merch so id need to put that shit somewhere anyways... main 2 "problems": 1 Money, its not cheap and im ab to spend alot of AA already...wuh. 2 space, the one i have is in my room, the other one would not fit... meaning id have to store it outside my room, gran dosnt like that... ended up buying bc it has disciunt of 40€ + it will just benefit me more in the long run. 

Ive been wanting to present more fem lately. And i really wanna get a long skirt. Ive been kinda daydreaning ab an outfit i wanna put togeter... kinda twee/apple inspired? So color wise red, brown, yellow and green.
Im just a bit nervous ab accesories/jewelry, ive never really done that? and forsome reasen i get anxious "what if when i wear that outside ppl can tell i dont normally wear this stuff"... like yea ofc that is smtg that will happen... Wich reminds me, i wanna make some kind of vauge "wishlist" for myself, like i just kinda add "cute necklace for xyz outfit" and add a date to it. Bc sometimes i forget i want smtg untill waaaaaaay later ect.

Idk wtf is going on when i sleep or what i dream about? I woke myself up multiple times bc: i punched my wall, i pulled out my charger (no not accidental, i had it gripped), im yelling and i threw my plushie ONTO my desk (i have no clue how like theres is only a very tiny "window" bteween my bed and the desk that it passes trough??). The only reasen i know is bc each time i woke up from it. In the past i have kicked my wall too. Whatever demon is trynna get me in my sleep, look out bc I FIGHT BACK. I felt rly bad ab my plushie tho LMAO

hng... dizzy... din take meds even tho... THEY WHERE NEXT TO MY BED  

Help me get trough this Naruto...

Oh-
Listening to my spotify daylist getting hit with this song and suddenly im holding back tears. Sudenly im 13 again, nervous to start highschool, not knowing who i am, not understanding why im so different... discovering Naruto and relating alot to him. The song is the first ending to Naruto. I ended up watching all 220 episodes and around 200 of Shippuden (Naruto but as a teen) wich yea included the filler episodes (i din know what those where back in the day and had no idea you could skip them) + a good chunk of the movies. So yes save to say i was a huge fan. The only reasen i stopped watching was bc i compleatly forgot wich episode number i was on LMAO. The last i remember watching was Sasuke meeting the one guy that had sharingans in his arms? (Sharingan is like a special power type that shows trough a characters eyes). It was like my first anime (not counting Wolfs rain bc i only watched a singular episode or so) and i was obsessed. I remembered all the characters names and drew My self insert as a Ninja. Sadly this was a period in my life where i didnt realy have friends with my intrests... so i made my poor gran listen to my rambles about the characters and my thoughts on everything. At some point there where some episodes on TV and i still remember... it was Episode 8 to be precise, i made my grandparents and younger brother watch. I dont remember much but it was a sad episode, Gran and brother where crying, i was exited bc that means they like it...  

Idk why or even how but i keep waking up around 3am... i dreamed i had magical powers and i made somebody shit their pants?

This year Partner wants me to go to their family NYE party... likly gon have to be a yearly tradition... (despair). But first i have to meet their parents... Well ok i have met them but we where just friends. And so very last second i got invited to my partners (very late) bday dinner to meet them. Might as well bite the bullet bc well.. its to celebrate my partners bday... that happend 2 months ago... Im just rly stressing rn... wuh... Im not gon air dirty laundry that aint mine, but just from what my partner has told me... i dont feel the most comfortable around them. Also the food will be Vietnamese or thai (No Partner dosnt know even tho THEY chose it) and im a bit nervous its gonna be too spicy for my white ass. Besides?? i also am just not a big talker when im eating LMAO

Also some nerves for AA "i wont have enough" bc i made a singular keychain design and 3 stickers.... But i also made several re-usable bags, pencil cases, glasses cleaners and sticker sheets. I need to keep reminding myself to rly just make what im motivated in bc if i try to force like a keychain design i just kinda get stuck and "block" ending up doing nothing...

Doll idea... wuh-oh

I made a horrible discovery, Resinsoul has a head i hadnt seen before... Its called starshine, wich sparked an idea in my head... I have Ko-Eh as doll... What if i get Onyx... So i started editing some pictures togeter... Resinsoul is known to be really customizeable, to a degree that i have not seen any other doll campany do? Usually when u see a doll you can choose out of the pre-chosen options like resin color, normal head or sleeping head. When its artist made and they cast/print the doll themselves you could ask for a custom color. if you want anything fancy youd either do it yourself or commission a fellow hobby-ist... But Resinsoul has accepted some insane requests like; adding up to 4 extra arms (so 6 arms in total), 2 heads on a torso, basicly any custom color you want, if you want a head to match a body your buying you can send them the headcap and they will match it! multiple colors, like arms red, legs yellow ect even transparent colors!!. SPLIT COLOR!! this is a new one!! basicly half the doll is one color and the other half another BUT VERTICAL!! Changing ears out (like u want a head to have elf ears instead of human ears and they just, do that!). Sizing up/down parts to fit other dolls, they had paws that where originally made for 1/6 but somebody asked for 1/4 and they did that! Changing faces like adding eyes, closing/opening them and i even saw a cyclops! Installing magnets INTO the head, usually people put a magnet under a wig but its annoying to get right and when u take the wig off the magnets can move... urg.
Craziest thing of all is that theyre still one of the most cheapest dolls out there! EVEN WITH ALL THESE CUSTOM MODS! AND THEY ACCEPT LAYAWAY??? AND AND AND!! THEY COME WITH A FREAKING CARRY CASE!! 
The main cons IMO is: the site hasnt changed AT ALL, wich i gues can be neutral... They dont list all their availble products, and with DOA being shut down a majority of resources has been lost. I havnt bought one in years so maybe this has changed... but the eyes they include in dolls are so damn ugly LMAO.
I did find somebody who seems to be collecting pictures of customized resinsouls, Def go check it out. And there is the FB group... spend some time scrolling trough that, saw some of my own posts... having compleatly forgotten ab a doll i used to own? Lmao? 

So my idea is to ask Resinsoul to put the Starshine head on a B4225 body and then get them in multiple gray colors to match my characters design. On top of that id like to ask them to install magnets inside the head, Look around at their horns if any possibly match? and MAYBEE i could ask them to make the ears like in my concept (stretched earlobes) However its no problem if id need to add that on myself as im gon need to add the hair on the dragon tail too.

Heres some stuff i put togeter as concept!

 

On that note... id also like to sell some of my current dolls. If any friend of mine wanna get into that pls do hit me up... 

mortified by teenage me

SCREAMING I JUST REMEMBERED I WAS INTO TOGAINU NO CHI BACK IN HIGHSCHOOL AND DREW THAT ONE FREAK FOR AN ASSIGNMENT CRYING NOOOOOO

Ok let me give context to those that dont know, Togoinu no chi is from the same creators as DMMD. A BL visual novel that has content i SHOULDNT HAVE BEEN INTO AT THAT AGE. But alas... Mind you i never played it, i mainly read doujinshi and looked at the availble content online... My favorite character was a side character called Kau, i thought he looked really cool and ofc the weird teenager i was i liked to use my intrests in my school projects. I had to draw a comic where the teacher gave us the begining of the story and we all had to finish the rest in our own intepretation. So i made it that the mc went trough a magic mirror and saw Kau... Im putting him behind a spoiler for dramatic effect...

Reminiscing of an artist i once knew

When i see a puppy i become emotional. This isnt a new phenomenon. I look at puppys and feelings overwhelm me, not quiet sadness? Longing? A deep apreciation and love? It makes me feel like i should cry.

I really love dogs... ended up making dog character... her name is Ivy :3

I finally ended up making my button. Rly simple but i can always change it. So i aplied to some webrings! 

My brother went to Amsterdam for 10 days, hes back now and he brought me nougat ;u;

I havnt had it in so long, but i LOVE nougat!...

 

I really shouldnt think ab BJDs rn... but so many characters... NO GET IT TOGETHER I STILL HAVE DOLLS THAT NEED FINISHING... but i cant, my materials r somewhere in my room but idk where or how to reach them... NOO SHUT UP... hmmm light blue doll... AAAAAAA

On a doll related note, i saw that Epic doll fair will be in 2027 and my friend has her license now! Weve been wanting to go to this doll con for so many years now lmaoo, but its in the netherlands and would take about 4h by train to get there... "only" 2 hours with car!

 

I really badly need a friend i can throw money at who can crochet. Beaming the thought of wanting to crochet into all my friends.
Its just a craft i dont enjoy doing but theres stuff i want hhh 

 

WARNING!
the following part is me talking about an artist who has some darker and heavy themes like selfharm, abuse and gore. None of it is drawn in a hyper-realistic way tho. All art is "hidden" inside links

Doa update! now LE?

Update on Den of Angels (The BJD forum):

So In august (this month) the site was gonna close but get left on "read only". The reasen being that the mods could not contact the current owner to potentially switch ownership (bc the owner had not paid for site upkeep and basicly disapeared from the face of the earth). But now theres been a plot twist! The owner has been in the known all along! Got rid of the mods roles, the site is now in a non functioning state AND they left this msg??

 

So safe to say the community is hella confused. gues we gotta wait till september to find out more?

On the flip side the (now ex-)Mods of DOA made their own forum Called Lovely Everyone! (Or LE for short i think?) With updated rules, the are way less strict on doll type (much needed in this comunnity) AND they allow username change!!! The old name will display like on steam. So i made an acc, i thought it was gonna take awhile to get my acc aproved but it was approved after an hour! Back when i made an acc on DOA i had to wait several weeks, but given LE is rly new i supose not many people know of it yet?

As with DOA theres a min required post amount and wait time until u have acces to the market place... 2 months and 50 posts, however if its anything like DOA you can not just spam random bs to up ur count. So at EARLYEST i should have acces late oktober... i made 2 comments today but tgey counted as one so its as expected hhh thisl take forever. Either way im determined.

Headache for evil reasens yes

I keep biting on my tongue? I think its happening in my sleep? at the tip i keep having lil?? balls?? swelling?? and when it heals, it appears somewhere else. Ive had it all the way back at my tongue aswel. It hurts.
But then i start doom thinking, a family member (uncle of my mom, my great uncle?) died like 3 years ago due to cancer, he had a part of his tongue removed due to it. Now idk exact symptoms he had on his tongue tho. But cancer seems common in my moms family.
If any of my friends are now thinking of telling me to get it checked out; if you dare bring this up to me im never telling a doctor ab this ever in my life. So leave me alone (• ᴗ • )

Had horrible nightmares, this time i couldnt force myself awake so i thought they where real. Almost had a panic attack when i woke up. I dont wanna go in details, but i had to experience my entire being getting pulled apart, every nerve and vessel, over and over and over. Yet i was conscious for it all. I begged, tried to escape, but it just kept repeating over and over. I felt like if hell was real, it would be that.
I dont wanna remember more than that so ill keep it at that.

Hhngg headache...is this bc im not pure of heart? Headace bc im evil? Weh

When i dream of needing to go (back) to school i wake up so relieved... but also why tf do i dream so much of it hh. Especially of needing to redo middleschool as an adult, sitting among lil children...

to sketti or not to sketti... cookie...

Another day of eye problem, im so sick and tired of it. I have and done/taken today: eye drops, nose spray, allergy pill and sinutab pill (i wan make clear i din do all at once). its just so annoying, and ive noticed im really needing a new prescription for my eyes as in im seeing worse. The whole eye thing also makes me so annoyed! 

Today having a real hard time focusing in terms of doing tasks for AA, bc of the eye thing yea but also i just dont have the energy. Like i thought to do smtg else then bc i have ideas for new characters, but i just dont have the energy to draw. But my deadline is in like a week n smtg, i already have so many days i dont draw bc im sleeping... i dont have time for this. Theres so many things i wanna do... and then the question is this an off day or am i going down hill?

Tho its not like i din do anything today... i woke up at 3am, stayed in bed till 5am, got up and heated up a frozen pizza. I uh?? i dont remember what i did between then and 11.30 am? but i made 2 eggs with sausage and sliced up a tomato, ate that, din fill me at all so i ate a bowl of cereal... Then i wrote about a character, did idk on pintrest? and made a new ggl sheet doc for all my characters bc the prev one was... a mess n meant for other things + i wanted some place i could put all names i like and tik it off if i have a character with that name. and now its 16.28pm. I know i should give myself grace, i am LITERALLY disabled. But i feel like i wasted my day despite knowing i should have worked on AA

Oh yea i forgot... i made this stupid ass edit bc i wanted a new pfp on discord... sigh

I just... feel a bit misreble that i waste most of my days sleeping/resting and the lil time i have to b doing smtg im unable to. 

I should try n make it a goal to just... get outa bed if i cant fall asleep again after like 1 or 2h... AND TO TAKE MY MEDS EVERYDAY BC I GET SO DIZZY IF DONT AAAHH

Bruh somebody keeps making disgusting smelling food to the point its nauseating and i hate it. Im sorry to the person but it smells so baaaddd, its been going on for years now and rn rly isnt the time for this bs.

I feel like all i do is complain
complain, complain, complain...
im tired... i wanna go to bed but gran said shed make spagthetti... Gran came home but decided no more sgetti... however gran n i just been talking

I am giving up on trying to b productive for today... will attempt to finish character entree but then... rest...
ok i looked up n aperently allergy can make u tired and exhausted, so theres that

It is now 19.00 and i finished writing... go take a look if youd like :3 tho lil reminder that blog is dedicated to me talking ab my characters! im not great at writing, but i still wish to share ;u;